It has been 3-4 years since I discovered I was gay, it was a really hard time for me, but I think I’m ready to tell my story.

I still remember before starting Grade 10, I prayed to God, hoping that no one would bully me anymore and that I’ll have more friends this time around. (I was bullied for a lot of reasons back in Grade 6 to 9, and added the factor that I didn’t had a lot of friends because I was super shy and don’t know how to talk. It was terrible basically)

My wish came true and I was super grateful, then with this new friend group I met a guy. He’s a really funny one, he would always make us laugh but specially me, his jokes, because of that I think out of all people we’ve been the most closest. I would describe him as my best friend at the time to be honest. Then one day he told me he’s got crush on a girl, someone that is out of our circle but pretty close to us. He was rejected and I don’t blame the girl because she’s pretty much the aral muna type of person. This is when my best friend started to be sad, really really sad, not just because of the rejection but also some family issues that affected him.

I stayed beside him, but most specially when he told me that he could possibly have a mental disorder that greatly affected his mood. I remember searching up articles on how to help someone with this. I was there when he needed someone to talk to, be it in chat, the class or even outside the class. Still remember that special moment when we sat on the side of a bridge, him telling his problems about his mom and just really really sad stuff. I was there through most of it, specially when he tried hurting himself, talking about suicide because he can’t bear it anymore. I begged him not to do it during the several times that he wanted to.

Then one day one girl came to our lives, she’s not in our inner circle as well but she’s close to some of us. Soon, she and my best friend started to hangout more often. His mood definitely improved since they started to hangout and I don’t know why. I also felt at the time that I was being jealous at how they’re close. That feeling that you’re not needed anymore and that you should probably just let them be because that is the best for them, most specially for him.

But I couldn’t keep those feelings and I think I admitted that I like him, or I was gay. It didn’t ended so well and we weren’t that close anymore after that. I don’t blame him, it must have been stressful for him already because of his problems, and me admitting must have caused him more.

I think the most traumatic part of it is that I blamed myself why our friend group broke, even till this day. It was never been the same since. That I ended up loosing the friends I longed for, just because of my realization of my feelings for a guy.

But what I didn’t blamed myself for is that I was there for someone when they really needed it. At that time my painful memories of being bullied was still there and feeling alone. And I don’t want that to happen to anyone else, most specially to the person that I like.

I think that is my definition of love at the time, let go the person you love the most if it means that they would be better, without you.